


Hanji Goes to Taco Bell

by Peregrine



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Drug Use, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-15
Updated: 2015-06-15
Packaged: 2018-04-04 12:16:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4137186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peregrine/pseuds/Peregrine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"What do you MEAN you've crossed the border into Mexico? Hanji, the Mexican border is over 1000 miles away. You were here an hour ago!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hanji Goes to Taco Bell

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is not at all related to Dipper Goes to Taco Bell.

“Hanji? Are you SERIOUS?” Eren cried. There was a pause on the other end of the line followed by a fit of giggles, then Hanji's voice.

 

“No, i'm Hanji.”

 

Eren was at a complete loss for words. He gritted his teeth, thinking this over. He wasn't good at math but even he could figure out that what Hanji was claiming was mathematically impossible. “What do you MEAN you've crossed the border into Mexico? Hanji, the Mexican border is over 1000 miles away. You were here an hour ago!”

 

“Then why do my surroundings smell like vomit and Mexican cuisine?”

 

Eren sighed and rubbed his forehead, trying to get a grip on the situation. “Hanji, have you been growing shrooms again?”

  
“No, no. Of course not,” Hanji responded over the phone. “It's LSD.”

 

Eren breathed deeply, reminding himself what happened the last time he threw his phone against the wall. “Hanji, where are you really?”

 

“Mexico, Eren. MEX-I-CO. It's like Texico but with an M.”

 

Eren had to stop to think for a moment. “Okay, Hanji, I want you to describe your surroundings to me very carefully.”

 

The other end went silent for so long that, for a moment, Eren was worried she had hung up. When her voice came back on the phone he exhaled in relief.

 

“Really bright lights. Lots of colors. There's a chihuahua wearing a sombrero.”

 

Eren had to think for a moment. The car was still in the driveway so Hanji had to have walked to where she was. Then he remembered where he'd seen a chihuahua in a sombrero.

 

“Hanji, are you at Taco Bell?”

 

There was another pause before she spoke. “No.”

 

Eren let out another sigh and pushed his hair back. “Stay where you are, Hanji, and I'll be there as soon as possible.”

 

Eren hung up and grabbed his keys. Taco Bell was about a five minute drive in the car.

 

It wasn't long before he was pulling into the parking lot. He was able to locate Hanji almost immediately. She was at the front entrance of the Taco Bell, attempting to push the door open. It would not budge. As Eren got out of the car and walked up to the door, he saw why. The outside handle said push. Hanji was trying to push it open from the inside.

 

Hanji's eyes widened as she saw Eren. She began to knock on the glass. “Help, Eren! They're holding me prisoner at customs!”

 

“Step back so I can open the door, Hanji.”

 

Hanji stepped back and Eren was able to pull her out.

 

“Eren, you dork. You came for me!” she yelped, stumbling forward into his arms.

 

Eren pouted with disapproval but wrapped his arms around her and held her, awkwardly patting her back. “Hanji, when did you take LSD? I thought you were going out night birding.”

 

“I was! Then I ended up in Mexico,” she replied cheerfully.

 

Eren wasn't going to try and argue logic to her. Hanji was the antithesis of logic when she was tripping. “Hanji, let's get you home,” he mumbled, picking her up and carrying her back to the car. “Please don't throw up on the seat,” he added as he carefully deposited her in the passengers seat.

 

Hanji grinned and gave him a big thumbs up. “Anything for you, Daddio.”

 

Eren brought his palm to his face, taking a moment to compose himself. At least she wasn't calling him “Fledgling” anymore. It still embarrassed him when she reminded him how much younger he was than her. He'd been a _teenager_ when they'd first met. He preferred not to remember just how awkward that was.

 

He turned the keys in the ignition and the engine roared to life. He gave Hanji a quick glance to make sure that she was still in here seat before he pulled out of the parking lot. Eren didn't even make it a block before he felt something warm on his crotch. “H-hanji!” he yelped nearly stepping on the brakes. He swatted her hand away, his face burning. He was glad for the stoplight ahead. Eren brought the car to a stop and turned to her. “It's hard to drive when you touch me there,” he scolded.

 

Hanji grinned from ear to ear. “Would it get you off if I performed fellatio on your nose?”

 

Eren's face nearly went up in flames. “Could you at least let me get home first before you...try...getting me off?” he pleaded.

 

“Eren, can you feel the sexual tension? Can you _feel_ it? We both know where this is going. We might as well bypass all this bullshit and get naked.”

 

Eren saw where her hand was moving again and knew he had to act fast. “Okay! Hanji, if you keep your hands off me until we get home, I'll get naked for you!”

 

Hanji seemed satisfied with this. She stopped trying to touch him and snuggled up to him instead, resting her head on his shoulder. “You know, I'm not sure if this is a good idea, Eren. I _am_ a married woman...”

 

“You're married to _me_ , Hanji.”

 

“Oh yeah.”

 

The rest of the drive home was peaceful. Hanji started telling him a story about chasing a dodo but Eren only half listened. He was relieved when they pulled into the driveway. As soon as he got Hanji into the house, he put her on the couch before collapsing onto the floor next to her. He was exhausted from work. He hadn't been expecting to go on a mission to find his wife. Hanji had always been weird and unpredictable but she'd never called him before to tell him that she'd crossed the Mexican border.

 

Eren nearly jumped out of his pants when he felt something between his legs. Hanji looked up at him with a mischievous smirk before crawling up to him and laying on top of him.“So where's my strip tease?” she asked, pressing her nose against his.

 

He was surprised she even remembered what he'd said in the car. “I-I never promised a strip tease,” he said covering his face with his hands. He had a feeling she knew Taco Bell wasn't really Mexico but he was too tired to ask.

 

Hanji took his hands in hers and removed them from his face. “Well someone has to do a strip tease,” she said. Before Eren could respond, Hanji began to undo the buttons on her blouse. She didn't wear a bra so her entire chest was exposed to him as she slid the shirt off. He could see the tattoos she had all up and down her arms. She looked down at him with parted lips and lidded eyes, her toungue poking out from between her lips. She cupped Erens face and leaned down, pressing a kiss against his lips. Eren gave in and wrap his arms around the small of her back, pulling her closer.

 

The kiss got more personal as she began to rub herself against him, her pelvis pressing against his leg. Despite his exhaustion, Eren felt a warmth rising up into his gut. He pushed his knee upward and slowly rubbed it between her legs. This earned him a soft squeak. He found himself gazing at her lips, appreciating how round and rosy they were. He thought about her fellatio question from earlier. “Do you still want me to undress?” he asked Hanji, hoping the answer was yes.

 

She nodded and reached for Eren's belt. Eren sighed contently and closed his eyes, enjoying how her hands felt as they brushed against the bulge in his trousers. He heard a z _woop_ as his zipper came down, his anticipation building as she started peeling back his boxers. Then, for some reason, she stopped, her weight falling against him.

 

“H-hanji?” Eren said, opening his eyes. Hanji was pressed against him, her face buried in the crook of his neck. He tried to shake her and a soft wheezing noise left her body. Then it hit him; Hanji had fallen asleep.

 

“God damn it,” Eren muttered under his breath, dropping his head back against the carpet in defeat.

 


End file.
